Tag

mom fail

Turns Out My Kid is THAT Friend

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Every kid has that ONE friend. The “dumper” who goes into the playroom and just dumps. toys. everywhere.  The one that causes trouble, makes messes and encourages chaos.

My 4-year-old, Piper, is not that friend. But somehow she manages to turn all of her friends into THAT friend.

For years I’ve wondered why all her friends are so dang naughty! She’s not a toy dumper or a particularly bad mischief-maker but every single friend she has is horrible!

Her very first friend was her cousin, Michael, who is a year older than her. Those two are TROUBLE together.

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Once in a rented beach house they took every single board game and dumped out every piece and card into a giant pile and mixed them together.  They’ve dumped boxes of cereal on the ground and stomped in it, they went into my walk in closet and threw every single thing into a pile on the floor.

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But my favorite was when they got into a bag of nail polish, got naked (of course) and painted their entire bodies. Their “delicate areas” were meticulously covered. Super fun. My biggest regret in life is not getting pictures of the nail polish fiasco of 2016 but I was too busy calling the carpet cleaning company.

She has another friend Matthew who I adore but who I always told my husband was a serious trouble maker. These two once got into a potted houseplant, tore it apart and scattered the dirt EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t take my eyes off those two.

Recently she got a new friend, a sweet little three-year-old named Raygen.


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“Surely this friend won’t cause as much mischief as every other friend she’s had over,” I optimistically thought. NOPE. They constantly also get naked in the backyard, cover themselves with sand and paint on walls.

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Turns out when I left Raygen out of this picture I really was protecting the innocent.

“WHY IS MY DAUGHTER ATTRACTED TO THE NAUGHTIEST KIDS EVER?” I thought.

Then it hit me. Wait…who is the “common denominator” in all these situations? It’s PIPER!! She IS that friend! I’ve been living in denial!

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Piper is the youngest child and, by nature, lives to entertain. She thrives on making other people laugh. (Her favorite joke currently is to ask people how to spell I -Cup.) Well, what is funnier to any toddler than destruction of property? The answer is nothing. Nothing is funnier. It turns out Piper is creating havoc in order to make her friends laugh, and then they do it, in turn, to crack her up! Who doesn’t love making people laugh?

In fact, one time Matthew’s mom asked him why he did something particularly naughty and his response was “because Piper thought it was funny.”  I don’t know why I didn’t realize this sooner!

We had a new friend over for a play date this afternoon and I walked into the sweet little boy hysterically laughing. Piper had overturned about five toy bins and was walking around the room hitting everything with a hammer just for the sheer joy of entertaining.

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She’s basically all Three Stooges wrapped up into one tiny, adorable package.

So to every mother who I assumed had the naughty kid I say “I’m sorry.”  Sorry I always blamed them,  never assuming my sweet child was creating disaster in her wake.  And I’m sorry to every home Piper visits. Ever. For the rest of eternity.

How I Ended Up Driving Home in My Bra

FullSizeRenderIt all started innocently enough. I was strolling through The Home Depot with my 17 month old son, Derek and my 4 year old, Amber. We had just adopted Derek and I was still trying to adjust to being his new Mommy.

Derek had pooped so much that it was defying gravity, coming out the top of his diaper as he sat in the cart. As we approached our mini van, I told Amber to wait outside the van until I had changed Derek’s diaper so she didn’t smell it and gag.

Amber was going through a phase that if she smelled even her own poop in the toilet she would throw up all over herself!

I laid Derek down on the floor mat and began wiping the thick sludge off his little bum. It was at that moment that Amber popped up her head (she was hiding in the back seat instead of waiting outside as instructed.) She got one whiff of the dirty diaper and started gagging. I yelled at her to “get out of the van!!” She tried but began throwing up all over herself in the process.

Knowing I would be mad, Amber came around to my side of the van crying and covered in puke to tell me how sorry she was. Her crying got worse as she discovered it was in her hair and then she started to pee! I looked away from helping Derek to see her standing with legs spread apart as the urine ran down her legs and made a large puddle in the parking lot.

I went to Amber to console her, get her to stop crying and to help her strip off her pants that were wet when Derek, who I left in a new diaper still laying on the floor mat, rolled out of the van and fell into Amber’s puddle of pee.

My poor baby! Picking him up, I looked at both of my gross looking children and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I didn’t have anything with me to clean up Amber or to cover the car seat where she would sit and I didn’t dare go back into Home Depot at this point, so I took off my shirt and wiped her as clean as I could with it.

I drove home in my bra and after giving both kiddos a good bath and getting them down for nap time, I went and scrubbed the back seat of my mini van for the next hour. NOT the day I had planned.

I hope to this day the surveillance camera in their parking lot did not record all of that!

Teaching Moment FAIL

epic_failMy biggest teaching moment failure as a mother happened one morning at Target. I took my four-year-old daughter, Amber, with me to check out a sale. I found so many good deals that I shopped longer than I should have and found myself rushing to check out and load all my finds into the back of our mini van. I had to meet Sarah off the Kindergarten bus by noon and I couldn’t be late again!

As I went to Lift Amber out of the front seat in the shopping cart I discovered she had hidden a small stuffed animal under her coat that she was begging for earlier and I had told her “NO.”

I couldn’t believe it!  We had stolen goods!!

I knew the right thing to do was to return it.  I should make my daughter go to customer service and tell them what she had done so she could learn a valuable lesson. There just wasn’t time if I was going to make it to the bus stop.  So, I hastily explained to my crying daughter why she couldn’t keep the stuffed animal and I drove up as close to the automatic double doors as I could get in my mini van. I rolled down the window and chucked the stuffed animal toy as hard as I could.

Much to my joy, it bounced twice and rolled on in through the open doors.
YES! It had made it back into the store and that was just going to have to be good enough for today. I peeled away as fast as I could, hoping no one saw me, and happily made it to the bus stop on time.

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