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funny

I Tortilla-Bombed a Mexican’s House

tortillaIf you think that title sounds completely racist, you’d be right. But wait! It was all a misunderstanding, I promise!

Let’s back up a bit.

Last week I flew to Seattle to help my sister Heather move here to Boise. Yay!!! We spent days packing,  boxing and bubble wrapping while listening to early 2000’s R&B. It was glorious. Then the night before the move Heather’s husband declared that keeping anything from the fridge would be completely disgusting. So we gathered it all up to give or throw away.

Heather has a neighbor who is probably the sweetest person on planet Earth. She’s Mexican-American and from everything I’ve heard from Heather she couldn’t have asked for a better neighbor. We decided we’d take all the non mystery-meat fridge food to this neighbor, Josi, to see if she wanted anything. There was good stuff in there! Salad dressings, cheese, olives…. tortillas.

“Josi was telling me how it drives her crazy when people assume she makes great Mexican food and asks her to bring it to parties,” Heather told me upon seeing the tortillas. “For a church function, the Relief Society president asked her to bring homemade tortillas and it really bugged her!”  Apparently Josi does make incredible homemade tortillas, but the assumption is still irritating/racist.  Then she told me a story how at a “favorite things” party at church Josi happened to open up a bag of tortillas that someone else brought and everyone (except Josi) thought it was hysterical.

So after hearing these stories I gather up two half gallons of milk, bags of cheese, some bottles and a bag of tortillas in my arms and we start walking down the street in the dark. We ring the doorbell and knock on the door but no one is home, so we head back to Heather’s. When we get close to Heather’s house I look down and my tortilla bag is upside-down and empty.

“What happened to the tortillas?!”- Me.

“Oh my gosh! I heard something fall on the doorstep but my arms were so full I couldn’t see anything and the bag of tortillas was still in your arms so I thought we were fine!”- Heather.

“You mean to tell me, we just dropped a bag of tortillas on your Mexican neighbor’s doorstep and ran?”- Me (through fits of horrified laughter.)

“Yes!” -Heather.

At this point we’re about to pee our pants from laughing so hard and our arms are still full of food.

We decide to go back into Heather’s house to unload our arms and then go back and get the tortillas off the doorstep.

We make it back to Josi’s house and upon seeing tortillas spread all over the front porch we erupt into more pee-inducing laughter. (We’ve both had 3 kids, laughing must be done cross-legged.) So we rush up to destroy the evidence and just as we’re bent over picking up the mess we see a car round the corner and suddenly we’re blinded by headlights.

We freeze.

“What are you guys doing?” – Sweet Josi.

I don’t know if I still thought it was funny or if I was so horrified I couldn’t control my emotions but I could still barely talk. I could see how this looked!

“We were bringing over armfuls of food from the fridge and we dropped tortillas on your doorstep!”- Heather.

(We had no armfuls of food.)

“You dropped tortillas on my doorstep?”- Sweet Josi asks doubtfully.

I finally compose myself enough to explain that we DID have armfuls of food and only noticed the tortillas were missing when we got back to Heather’s…. this is not looking good for us! Suddenly I feel like we’re on an episode of Seinfeld or Modern Family!

We could only explain ourselves and hope Sweet Josi bought our story but what are the odds people!?

I guess maybe it’s a good thing Heather moved? She might have potatoes hurled at her house next week.

10 Ways Being a Mom is Like Being a Bartender

1. You spend an inordinate amount of time on your feet, standing at a counter.

2. You listen to everyone’s woes – the whining, the crying, the unintelligible mumbles.
3. You break up fights between belligerents who will not listen to reason.
4. You wipe down that counter you’re standing at – many, many times a day.
5. You’re the keeper of all the good stuff and your patrons are not above begging, bargaining, or flirting to get what they want.
6. People get distracted, miss the counter and spill their drinks. You clean up.
7. You get yelled at if their drink is not the exact, crazy-specific way they ordered it. (“But I wanted the OTHER KIND of orange juice!!!!”)
8. Often there is a lot of very loud fun happening around you. At least they look like they’re having fun. You’re at work.
9. Those around you are prone to sudden bursts of affection and unexpected declarations of love.

 

10. It would all be easier just to call them a cab and send them on their way.

Peeing With The Door Open (And Other Things I Swore I’d Never Do)

20150904_091855-001I was a total backseat mom, before I had kids. If not vocally, I was in my head. I would see the horrendous things other moms were doing and swear to myself that when my perfect child came into the world, I would NEVER bribe them with fruit snacks.

I’ve only been a parent for 22 months and 2 days and here are a few things I swore I’d never do. And I’m eating my words, just like my toddler is eating those bribery fruit snacks I buy in bulk at Costco.

1. Pee with the door open.

I always thought, let the kid cry at the door! Geez lady have some pride! Pride? Doesn’t that go out the window during labor, never to be regained?  For the record, I also shower with the door open and sometimes she’ll just stand there holding the shower curtain open staring at me. That’s the worst.

2. Flavor my kids milk.

After I stopped nursing a few weeks went by and I realized I should probably still be giving my toddler some whole milk or something! I tried giving her milk in a sippy cup and she about gagged! So after a couple weeks (okay maybe a day) of trying I bought some chocolate Ovaltine and never looked back.

3. Let her watch Barney.

I thought she would only watch the shows that don’t drive me crazy, like Sesame Street. But when you work from home, a little more TV is needed! I draw the line at Calliou. That kid drives me nuts. You’re four and totally bald? Grow some hair and stop whining!

4. Go a day without showering.

Need I say more? It happens. Get over it.

5. Make my kid talk to people on the phone. (Before they can talk.)

“Say hi to daddy!… (squeak). I think she just said hi to you!” Let’s document this on video and put it up on YouTube!

6. Food Bribery.

I’ve covered this but let me just say the first thing my daughter says when we walk into Target is “popcorn!” Isn’t shopping SO much easier when the child is contently munching on popcorn? And when we’re at Wal-Mart I’m not above cracking open a new bag of Goldfish that I will pay for at the checkout. (If she doesn’t dump out the whole bag out in front of the bed spreads.) Don’t worry, I used my foot to shove them all under the shelves.

7. Stage things for photo ops.

“No, I swear, she put on that chef’s hat and just climbed herself into that big soup pot! Isn’t she SO cute!!!” “Oh no! I just caught her putting bright red lipstick all over her face! What a stinker!” Come on, every mom needs a picture like that. What am I going to do, wait until she does it herself and risk ruining my carpet?

8. Let my baby drink caffeine.

What kind of monster would let a one-year-old drink Dr. Pepper? That is just wrong! Ugh, fine, one sip. Okay fine… have the whole dang thing. I’m sure she had enough in utero to last a lifetime.

And when my baby turns three and still has her binky and isn’t potty-trained I’m sure I’ll have another list of things I swore I’d never do!

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