I was a total backseat mom, before I had kids. If not vocally, I was in my head. I would see the horrendous things other moms were doing and swear to myself that when my perfect child came into the world, I would NEVER bribe them with fruit snacks.
I’ve only been a parent for 22 months and 2 days and here are a few things I swore I’d never do. And I’m eating my words, just like my toddler is eating those bribery fruit snacks I buy in bulk at Costco.
1. Pee with the door open.
I always thought, let the kid cry at the door! Geez lady have some pride! Pride? Doesn’t that go out the window during labor, never to be regained? For the record, I also shower with the door open and sometimes she’ll just stand there holding the shower curtain open staring at me. That’s the worst.
2. Flavor my kids milk.
After I stopped nursing a few weeks went by and I realized I should probably still be giving my toddler some whole milk or something! I tried giving her milk in a sippy cup and she about gagged! So after a couple weeks (okay maybe a day) of trying I bought some chocolate Ovaltine and never looked back.
3. Let her watch Barney.
I thought she would only watch the shows that don’t drive me crazy, like Sesame Street. But when you work from home, a little more TV is needed! I draw the line at Calliou. That kid drives me nuts. You’re four and totally bald? Grow some hair and stop whining!
4. Go a day without showering.
Need I say more? It happens. Get over it.
5. Make my kid talk to people on the phone. (Before they can talk.)
“Say hi to daddy!… (squeak). I think she just said hi to you!” Let’s document this on video and put it up on YouTube!
6. Food Bribery.
I’ve covered this but let me just say the first thing my daughter says when we walk into Target is “popcorn!” Isn’t shopping SO much easier when the child is contently munching on popcorn? And when we’re at Wal-Mart I’m not above cracking open a new bag of Goldfish that I will pay for at the checkout. (If she doesn’t dump out the whole bag out in front of the bed spreads.) Don’t worry, I used my foot to shove them all under the shelves.
7. Stage things for photo ops.
“No, I swear, she put on that chef’s hat and just climbed herself into that big soup pot! Isn’t she SO cute!!!” “Oh no! I just caught her putting bright red lipstick all over her face! What a stinker!” Come on, every mom needs a picture like that. What am I going to do, wait until she does it herself and risk ruining my carpet?
8. Let my baby drink caffeine.
What kind of monster would let a one-year-old drink Dr. Pepper? That is just wrong! Ugh, fine, one sip. Okay fine… have the whole dang thing. I’m sure she had enough in utero to last a lifetime.
And when my baby turns three and still has her binky and isn’t potty-trained I’m sure I’ll have another list of things I swore I’d never do!